Bush tries Abbott and Costello routine

By DOLPH HONICKER

Why does it seem that everything President George W. Bush touches turns to {expletive deleted?}

In a single day in April, while surfing the internet, I ran across several news items that may seem redundant but, as the late author Kurt Vonnegut noted, “And so it goes.” So here it goes:

* A suicide bomber rams an explosives-rigged truck into a U.S. military outpost near Baquhah, killing nine soldiers and wounding 20, in one of the deadliest single ground attacks on U.S. bases since the start of the war in Iraq. Suicide attackers rarely penetrate defenses that surround U.S. troops, says the Washington Post, but “a 10-week-old U.S. counterinsurgency strategy has placed them in outposts and police stations that some soldiers say makes them more vulnerable.”

* World Bank President Paul D. Wolfowitz meets with senior managers to promise unspecified changes in his leadership and to appeal for their help after ethics complaints over his personnel decisions regarding his companion, Shaha Riza. Not to worry, his newly hired lawyer, Robert S. Bennet, says his client’s “mood is just fine. ... He feels people are trying to interfere with his job to get at world poverty ...” His first act, apparently, was a sweetheart deal for his “companion.” Bush has voiced his full backing of Wolfowitz.

* Mark Dennis Zachares, a former staffer on the House Transportation Committee, agrees to plead guilty to conspiracy to defraud the public by steering potential clients and inside government information to convicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff in return for cash, gifts and the promise of a high-paying job on K Street. He’s the 11th to plead guilty in the Abramoff probe. Finally, the last item would be almost laughable if it were not so ludicrous.

* Bush says his confidence in Alberto R. Gonzales has grown as a result of the attorney general’s testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee despite a performance criticized by senators in both parties.

“The attorney general went up there and gave a very candid assessment and answered every question he could possibly answer, in a way that increased my confidence in his ability to do his job. Some senators didn’t like his explanation, but he answered as honestly as he could.”

I can just see Bush glued to the television watching Gonzales, the Justice Department’s equivalent of FEMA’s Michael Brown (“Ya doin’ a great job, Brownie”), testify.

But wait!

White House spokeswoman Dana Perino later told reporters that Bush actually didn’t watch the testimony but received updates from aides.

Picture this scenario as an aide rushes into the Oval Office to deliver an update.

BUSH: Make it quick. I’m on the line to Baghdad hearing about the great progress we’re making in Iraq. What’s the latest on Alberto?

AIDE: I forgot.

B: Quit stallin’. Let’s have it.

A: I don’t remember.

B: Are ya gonna tell me or not?

A: I don’t recall.

B: Ya been monitorin’ that bleeping TV all mornin’. What is it ya don’t recall?

A: I don’t remember.

B: Ya don’t remember what?

A: I can’t recall.

Abbott and Costello had a similar routine. But theirs was more believable.

Copyright 2007, Dolph Honicker